"Momento Mori," Says the Little Voice in My Head

I have a confession to make, it embarrasses me a little bit but I'm a far more superstitious person than I am comfortable admitting to being. What makes me aware of this is the squirmy feelings I get when I start getting carried away talking about book sales lately. I am thrilled that my books have been selling pretty well but, at the same time, every time I get ready to make a post or announcement there is this little voice in my head that says, “Don't jinx yourself.”

I blame this a little bit on my background. I grew up among sensible German Catholics have an aversion to a.) “making too much of yourself”, and b.) optimism. This is something I've long been aware of but didn't realize until I left my home town and moved to other parts of the world. It came as a bit of a shock to me that there were people who had absolutely no problem with talking openly about their accomplishments and letting you know that they would be doing even better in the future. This is a way of thinking that has taken me much of my lifetime to accept, let alone take pride in.

I've been aware for some time now that, as I get more and more attention as a writer and as my books gain a wider audience this can be come uncomfortable. First of all, despite appearances, I'm not a highly social being. In fact I could be an excellent recluse. Secondly, in the past couple of years people that I had long considered good friends have basically told me off and then left my life. The interesting thing about these “tellings-off” is that they invariably make references to me as a writer. One “friend recently gave me what-for about my “attitude” toward her and kept saying “but what do I know, YOU'RE the writer!” What my being a writer has to do with her opinion I do not know. Or do I? I've adopted a no-more-drama approach to life and it is working very well for me. If someone wants to stomp out of my life I'm not going to stop them. I've had enough of drama queens and divas to lat me for my remaining years on earth.

But, while I'm not thrilled by these things, I don't really think they contribute to my superstitions. I think that is much more deeply ingrained. I think of my father who was such a modest man that he wouldn't even paint his name on the side of his work trucks, despite the prestige of his construction company, because he thought it was too grandiose. I can remember him saying “now don't make too much of yourself” – if you did and then things went awry just imagine how embarrassed you'll be. This kind of thinking seems so charmingly old-fashioned in this celebrity-mad world of ours.

I think of this when I talk to some of my family and friends from back home too. I know that they wish me well and are pleased by what I have done but I'm also aware that some of them feel the need to remind me that fame is fleeting and success can change in a second. I know those things – I tell them to myself all the time.

So it makes me wonder is it superstition, modesty, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, that nags at me when things appear to be going well? I don't know. I just know that there is a little bird that whispers in my ear saying, “Yeah, it looks good now but just wait.” Momento mori.

In September on the last day I was praying for one more book sale in order to hit 1000 sales for the month. It happened and I ended September with 1008 sales. In October I hit the 1000 mark in the middle of the month and ended the month with a little over 3000 sales for that month. Today shortly after noon on the sixth day of November I passed 1000 sales and, when I looked a little while ago, I was close to 1100. Things are looking good and I'm so happy – which is something I need to be careful of because, well, you know. Happiness invites the wrath of the gods – or something like that.

Thanks for reading.